Is It Normal to Hate Your Spouse?

I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you. Gnash may be singing about a breakup in her top ten Billboard hit, but even during the best of times couples can feel conflicted.

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After all, the saying “there’s a fine line between love and hate,” is well-known for a reason. In fact, I recently asked a group of a dozen (basically happily) married women at my book club (it’s more like a drink wine and talk club), if they ever “hated” their husbands. Without hesitation, almost every hand shot up in the air.

“Like, obviously,” said my friend sitting next to me. But why do people sometimes feel this way, and if it’s normal, what can be done about it? Here’s the relationship advice experts suggest if you currently resent, or even feel like you hate your husband, especially if you want to restore your marriage.

Remember, it’s normal to “hate” your husband’s guts.

First of all, let’s talk about the word “hate.” Just because you say it, doesn’t mean you actually mean it. Relationship expert Dr. Juliana Morris says that in her practice, couples often use the word “hate” to make an exaggerated point about someone or something that they find beyond irritating.

“It’s very normal to have feelings of deep annoyance,” she says. “If you spend a lot of time with someone, especially as intimately as living together, you learn all their idiosyncrasies.” True hate, however, is a major red flag. More on that…later.

And sometimes it’s even a good thing.

If you never feel the urge to take his smelly, sweaty gym clothes that he leaves on the bathroom floor every morning and shove them where the sun don’t shine, then you’re a legit zen master and consider yourself lucky.

But on the opposite end of the spectrum, Morris says, some couples are so disconnected, they don’t even spend enough time with each other to get annoyed!

If that sounds familiar take it as a sign that you need to spend more quality time together (even if that means sometimes arguing).

Relationship expert Marla Mattenson says, “If you don’t go through periods of annoyance and even disgust towards your partner, you haven’t broken through the superficial barrier and explored the dark crevices that make up the whole person.”

Where do these ugly feelings come from?

According to Morris, when you feel like you hate your spouse, you may actually be feeling something else (hurt, disappointment, or rejection, for example) but aren’t identifying it correctly. Once you realize the root of the emotion, it’s easier to fix.

So, let’s say you’re thinking: “I hate you! You’re such a slob!” What you may actually be feeling is disappointment that he isn’t pulling his weight with the chores.

To fix it, try saying: “I would love for all the dirty clothes to be in the laundry basket.” (See how we avoided any negativity?) Then, let him know why you’d like that change.

For example, “I would feel a lot less resentful and would be less cranky if you’d help remove that obstacle from my day.” Insight into where the root of the hate comes from will help you make changes for a more fulfilling relationship.

You have a role in the love/hate dynamic.

Now that we know that the feelings of hate are actually covering up other emotions, and not really because he’s forgetful, Mattenson suggests looking inward when hate starts brewing.

Maybe you’re overwhelmed by everything on your plate? She says to ask yourself, “What needs of mine aren’t being met right now?”

And then take time for yourself so that you can feel more loving. “You have to take care of yourself first and foremost if you want to bring love to your relationship.”

Try focusing on the positive.

Old habits die hard, but Kelley Kitley, LCSW, says that there are a few things that couples can do to help mellow the hateful feelings when they arise. One way is to restructure your thoughts.

“Instead of obsessing about what you are hating, make list of what he’s done right,” she says. She calls this “actively practicing gratitude.”

Put something exciting on the calendar.

Kitley also says to plan something to look forward to, like a couples getaway or a night out doing something you both enjoy, like listening to live music or going to a comedy club.

Spending uninterrupted time together outside of your routine will give you the opportunity to reconnect. And lastly, there’s always good old make-up sex! “Sex helps ease any built-up tension with a chemical release and endorphin rush,” says Kitley.

And, consider therapy.

“Most of the time, feelings of hate pass in a relatively short period of time, and other feelings take their place,” says Dr. Erica MacGregor.

But what if they don’t? “If you find that hating your spouse is a sustained state, the two of you should seek help to work through your issues,” MacGregor says. Morris agrees: “There is often a feeling of being trapped with someone you don’t like,” she says. “That trapped, hopeless, helpless feeling breeds resentment, anger, and hate.”

Talking through your issues with a trusted counselor or therapist can help you figure out whether the relationship can be mended or whether it’s time to get a divorce.